The Democratic Potty

Long have I thought that certain members of the House and Senate were better suited to serve in a preschool than in an official governing capacity. I come to this conclusion based on 25 years of experience as a preschool teacher. Now it seems these members have found a voice in our President.

Recently at a health care forum Mr. Obama made this stunning declaration:

"There is something about August going into September where everybody in Washington gets all wee weed up."

Now, at first, mindful of the fact that he had visited France in June, I thought perhaps he was showing off his linguistic skills. However, it soon became obvious that his choice of words had nothing to do with the French language.

Good Lord, is this the great orator I keep hearing about? If potty words make for a skilled orator then I have a classroom full of them. Better than our President, really, because they have also been heard to say poo-poo.

Since this is the level of communication our president aspires to I have decided to make a list of other effective phrases heard in my preschool classroom. I'm sure these will come in handy, not only when addressing the American people, but in dealing with the leaders of other countries.

1. I'm not your friend anymore.
This is a proclamation sure to cause great concern to those sycophants who need you to be the sun to their solar system, the Jack to their Jill, the green eggs to their ham. They cannot envision functioning without you by their side and subsequently will do anything to regain your favor. Crying and pouting is the typical reaction among my 3 year olds so have a box of tissues at the ready.

2. You can't come to my birthday party.
This is guaranteed to stop anyone in their tracks. It doesn't matter if you just celebrated your birthday and cannot follow through on this threat for 364 days. The mere suggestion of being out of the loop is a powerful persuasion to tow the line and remember who is the leader and who is the follower.

3. I'm going to tell the teacher.
This is a little harder because technically there is no one in a higher position than you. I'm pretty sure threatening to tell the vice-president would be met by anything from smiles to outright belly laughs. Perhaps you could use Rahm's name. After all, who wants to find a dead fish in their mailbox? I had a boy in my class who drew pictures of dead spiders to terrorize the girls. Same idea.

4. You're a poopeyhead.
Any insult that contains a reference to a bodily function is a sure fire crowd pleaser. You will hear yourself quoted for the rest of the day until a grown-up gets tired of hearing it and predicts dire consequences for the next person who utters that phrase. I mean it.

I hope these suggestions prove to be helpful in future speeches, Mr. President. If I hear one of them I will consider it a shout out to me. One caveat, though, they don't work on grown ups. But considering the level of people you have chosen to surround yourself with I think you'll find these childish attempts at intimidation to be very well received.

Dee "The Disruptor"